Fic From Heck
by BD the Pixie
Summary: Rated for. . . things. . . have a healthy sense of humor. BD's POV (NO pairs in this story, by the by) R&R, onegai!
1. Default Chapter

Just a lil' one-shot I felt like doing. . . (NOTE: this fic is best read ALOUD)  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own YYH. I'm just borrowing the characters for a bit. ^.^  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Okay, so there was Hiei, standing stark naked in a vat of pudding . . .  
  
Wait. Let me back up . . .  
  
It all started three days ago. Why three days? I don't know. But anyway, it was three days ago when Kurama got an unexpected visit from everybody's favorite fire demon. The little guy (who I hope you all know is Hiei) said "Hn."  
  
Kurama found this to be normal and took him out for dinner, and of course one thing led to another and eventually Yusuke, Kuwabara, Botan, Keiko, and some homeless guy were all going. For some reason, that tends to happen a lot in fics . . . two people decide to go out for dinner or something and BOOM!! The whole of Japan is going!  
  
Anyway, there they were in the restaurant, but little did they know that they were being watched . . .  
  
Well actually they weren't ALL being watched. It was mainly Hiei. Who was watching him, you ask? You DID ask, didn't you?  
  
What?! You didn't?! Well then back up two paragraphs and start over.  
  
NOW did you ask? Okay, if you MUST know, I was watching him. Name's BD, by the by. Why was I watching him? Because he's hot, duh! So there I was, watching him from a tree. Exactly three days ago. He ate a cheeseburger and had a coke. Mmm, burger. So while I stalk Hiei, a plan formulates. A plan, see? I'm going to get this vat of pudding, and. . .  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
Two days later. I'm outside the kitsune's house, waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting. . . aha! Here comes Hiei! I knew he'd come along, because I planned it that way. I told Botan to gather them up on a 'mission' for me. Ain't I clever? Soon Yusuke and Kuwabara should show up too. Then they'll all be in the house . . . exactly where I want them.  
  
A few minutes pass . . . a few more minutes . . . and still no idiots. So I decide to see what Kurama and Hiei are up to. The blinds are closed in Kurama's window. That's odd, they were open before. Hmm.  
  
GASP! They aren't . . . are they?! Could it be? Is it true?! Of course, I don't hesitate to smash the window and push away the blinds. Any normal person would have thought about it first, but my hentai mind won't allow it. Orders from up top, you know.  
  
There are Hiei and Kurama, sitting on the floor eating potato chips and playing video games. Disappointed? I bet YOU are, but of course I'm not. I'm not a yaoi fan.  
  
And then it hits me. My plan! They've seen me! And what's more, I've broken a window! Cool! Oh wait, that's bad . . . well now they've seen me. As quickly as possible, I leap out the window and fall with a loud 'thud' to the ground. Damn! The ground is a lot harder than I thought!  
  
So I land on my back and look up, what do I see? Hiei and Kurama poking out the window, looking down at me. (Oh my! A rhyme! I think I shall do a poem!).  
  
"I'M OKAY!" I shout, and then run for my life, managing to trip over a poodle. Don't ask me how it got there. But after I hit it, the damn thing was intent on chewing off my left foot.  
  
They exchange a frightened glance and go back inside to play video games, shrugging it off as another insane fangirl.  
  
Me?! Another insane fangirl?! How dare they! I am BD! BD-chan the MORE- insane-fangirl!!  
  
Right on cue, about two hours late, Yusuke and Kuwabara come walking up the street. There I was, lying in a rosebush below Kurama's window, about to get caught . . .  
  
"Shut UP, Kuwabara!" Yusuke was pleading. Kuwabara babbled on senselessly.  
  
"But Urumeshi it was HUGE!" he wailed. "It chased her round and round and- ."  
  
"SHUT UP!!"  
  
I blinked and stared, and they rang Kurama's doorbell. That's when I realize that Kurama and Hiei have a sense of humor. They don't say anything as the doorbell is rung, which I find odd. Yusuke, being who he is, lets himself in. They walked in and I ran to a window to watch. They walk around a little, calling for Kurama. Eventually they realize that they should go UP the stairs to get to his room.  
  
So naturally I need to investigate.  
  
Climbing hastily up a tree, I hop un-gracefully and catch myself on Kurama's windowsill. Poking inside, I see Kurama and Hiei sitting down next to the door, which is locked. Yusuke knocks on the door. Kurama giggles cutely, and my eyes widen in shock. Yusuke knocks again.  
  
"Kurama? Was that you?" he asks.  
  
Kurama giggles again.  
  
"K-Kurama?"  
  
Kurama pokes Hiei, as if to say 'come on! Do something!'  
  
Then Hiei scares us all, "Hn. More, fox."  
  
I can barely control my laughter as Yusuke pauses for a moment. I hope he's not LISTENING. That would be screwed up . . .  
  
Kurama seems inspired by Hiei's boldness, and thuds on the floor a rhythmically. Okay, now they've gone too far!!  
  
Suddenly Kuwabara shrieks like a girl and runs out of the house, leaving Yusuke to deal with "it" by himself.  
  
Yusuke pounds on the door in hysterics, "YOU GUYS! THAT'S SO GROSS!! QUIT IT!! DOWN BOY!! . . . or something. . . I think . . . EWW!!"  
  
Hiei smiles, tossing his shirt across the room and motioning for Kurama to do the same, which not only scares ME, but Kurama as well.  
  
Yusuke pounded relentlessly on the door, shouting at them to stop. Hiei rubbed his hands back and forth along his hair to mess it up a bit, as Kurama took off his shirt, getting the idea.  
  
As soon as they were both shirtless and had messy hair, Kurama took a few deep breaths to get his breathing irregular. Hiei did this also, as I watched in fascination.  
  
Kurama threw open the door, and there was Yusuke. He was pale and shivering in fear.  
  
"Y-Y-You guys didn't . . ."  
  
Hiei only nodded solemnly, feigning fatigue.  
  
"Holy shit!!" Yusuke turned tail and ran, falling down the stairs and stumbling awkwardly to the door, not bothering to close it. He just ran. Ran far, far away.  
  
Hiei and Kurama burst out laughing together, running to the window to watch him run. Shit! I'M in the window!! Hiei pulls back the blinds and we both yelp, him falling backwards on his ass and me falling backwards and falling . . . farther.  
  
Kurama blinks. "Who are you, and- HEY! You're that girl who broke my window awhile ago!"  
  
I nod. "Yeah, that's me."  
  
Hiei pokes his head out also and stares at me. I stare back, and he walks away.  
  
"So . . . Uhh . . . go away?" Kurama suggests.  
  
I strike a nifty battle pose and run off down the street, still intent on fulfilling my plan.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*  
  
okay, so maybe not a one-shot. This idea smacked me in the face and I wrote it. I thought it was funny . . .  
  
I guess you have to have a healthy sense of humor. ^.^;;  
  
Flames and Torches,  
  
~BD-chan~ 


	2. Dear Diary

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING.  
  
Last chapter, folks. Enjoy!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Check it out! I got this cool new diary-thing! I was going to put lots of Hiei pictures in it, and sleep with it under my pillow, and all kinds of other heroic crap!  
  
But that wont work, because as I write I'm hanging upside down over a vat of pudding. But not just any vat of pudding, oh no. This vat of pudding is-  
  
Shit! This is my last pencil! I keep dropping them! Well, the pudding has a fire lit underneath it, compliments of Hiei, and I'm hanging from some vines. But you probably knew that.  
  
Anyway, the heat from the fire ra-di-ates up and burns the vines. (Ha! Kurama explained it all to me. Isn't he kind?). They're slowly slipping and growing weak, so soon I'll fall into the pudding and melt. It's very hot pudding by now. I can tell because the pencils all melted.  
  
I bet you're wondering how I got here, huh? Well, after Hiei and Kurama scared the living hell out of Yusuke and Kuwabara, I ran off down the street. I know where I was going; it just took me a few hours to get there . . . the puppy was distracting, okay?! It could happen to anyone!  
  
Well, by the time I got to the grocery store, some old guy told me it was closed. I said, "but sir! Its open 24 hours!"  
  
He said, "yes, good job. Now you have three hours to wait."  
  
So I poked him with a stick. Then, I walked inside. As I left he started screaming something about the youth of Japan going to the turtles, and that the apocalypse was upon us thirty years ago so "get over it." Uhh, anyway. . .  
  
I went inside and got a cart, and strolled down the aisles until I found the instant pudding mix. I chose vanilla, and got about a hundred packets. I put them in the cart one by one. This took a long time, though.  
  
Anyway, as soon as I got to the cash register, they yelled at me because I had no money. What's an authoress to do? Duh! I pushed the cart really fast and jumped in, and I tried to ride it out a window. But the window didn't break and I just fell.  
  
However, the old guy out front saw me and came running, I think he's the security guard. He's slow, so I got up and ran out the DOOR on my shopping cart this time. Thus, my getaway.  
  
So I ride the cart to Kurama's house, pudding in hand. Or cart . . . whatever. When I got inside, Hiei and Kurama were sitting around watching TV and eating pocky. Mmm, I wish I had some pocky right now . . .  
  
When I walked in, they jumped, which makes me wonder exactly how many fangirls before me have broken in. Then they spotted the pudding. I made a break for the kitchen, and after awhile they don't follow. I guess I wasn't a threat to them. THEY WERE WRONG!  
  
After mixing as much pudding as would fit in a pot I found in Kurama's kitchen, I realized . . . I needed a bigger pot!  
  
I thought about it awhile, and then went out into the living room. The boys had finished their pocky and were watching some horror movie. Either that or Sailor Moon, I can't tell.  
  
"Kurama, do you have a large vat?" I asked.  
  
"For what?" he said.  
  
"Pudding." I said.  
  
"Sure," he says.  
  
He pulls a vat out of his hair and throws it at me. It's pretty big, but I tried to catch it anyway. I woke up four minutes later lying on the floor underneath the upturned vat.  
  
The boys didn't notice, so I went back into the kitchen to make pudding. Slowly the vat got fuller and fuller. I heard Hiei make a few comments like:  
  
"Why do fangirls always have to use YOUR house?"  
  
But Kurama seemed to not mind, from what I heard. Good. All the other less- scary fangirls have lulled him into a false sense of security! Ha! Ha ha!  
  
Eventually the vat is full, and I dragged it out to the living room and presented it to them. They stared at me for a minute. Kurama asks, "Is that all?"  
  
I blink. "What do you mean?" I asked.  
  
"I mean, where's all the rest of it?" he asked.  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"The pudding!" Hiei says.  
  
"That's all of it." I said.  
  
"That's it?!" they both said at the same time.  
  
"Yes." I said.  
  
Then they laughed at me. But I'll show them! I looked to the TV. 'Yes! Sailor Moon!' I thought. So what do I do? Naturally, I throw a rock at Kurama's big-screen. Duh.  
  
The TV goes CRASH! And then Hiei and Kurama look very, very angry. They run at me, and I leap behind the couch to hide. Alas, they saw me. Hiei ran up all fast-like and ended up standing in the vat of pudding, and I laughed. Then Kurama used his Rose Whip to wrap me up in a bundle-ish thing.  
  
He tied me to the ceiling using various plants, and just stared at me. He told me that they were going to have to watch in his ka-san's room on the little TV, AND THEN they'd kill me. So I shrugged and agreed.  
  
Kurama headed for the stairs, and Hiei was just following, when I shout "HALT!"  
  
He looked at me all surprised-like. Then I struggle to get free, in vain. "Hiei," I said. "If you do this one REALLY little favor for me, I'll give you . . . ice cream!"  
  
He perks up at the mention of sweet snow. "What?" he said.  
  
"Take off all your-." I said.  
  
"NO!" he said.  
  
So what did I do? Naturally I set the vines on fire that were holding me, managing to burn myself in the process. Somehow. Then I fell on the floor next to him. I stood and attacked rabidly. He fended me off with his sword, and now I'm feeling a bit sorry for Seiryuu. That hurts. A lot.  
  
As I fell to the ground, I snatched his sleeve and held it. The plan was to have him fall WITH me, so that I wouldn't be the only loser. But his strength changed all that. He just stood there while I ripped half his shirt off by his sleeve.  
  
There he was, with his shirt dangling half-off. What did I do? Duh! I drooled! Then I get the bright idea, take it off some more!  
  
Of course, he tries to run for Kurama at this point. I trip him from my handy position on the floor. Well I THINK I did . . . he didn't fall or anything . . . when I stuck out my arm he sorta went WHOOSH and was gone. I think he went to Kurama, because a few seconds later they both came back.  
  
"You're interrupting my show!" Kurama said. I found it disturbingly hilarious. Apparently, so did Hiei. His shirt was all the way off now, probably because a half of a shirt is kind of annoying.  
  
I wasted no time in lunging for his white belts, trying to yank them off. He yelped in surprise and ran, black-blur style, to somewhere far, far away.  
  
Kurama tied me up again in his vines, and I started chewing on them. I-  
  
Shit! That was my last pencil! But this pen I found in my OTHER pocket should work good enough.  
  
Anyway, I didn't get very far when Kurama hit me with his whip.  
  
"No!" he said, and then called for Hiei. Hiei came back, but he did NOT look happy. He was actually scary and angry. Kurama put the pudding underneath me and told Hiei to light a fire. They both went back to his mother's room to watch Sailor Moon.  
  
And that's how I got here. If you're wondering why I mentioned Hiei being naked in the vat of pudding, well . . . that's something that MY mind came up with. No matter how much I begged, he wouldn't. Oh well.  
  
And now, I bid you all-  
  
~*~*~*  
  
Announcer: *finished reading* and that, my friends, is all we could salvage of the diary found in the pudding.  
  
Committee of Scary Dudes: yes, I see. Is this enough evidence to prove that this girl was the one who drove Yusuke insane?!  
  
Announcer: don't ask me! I'm just the guy who reads it to you lazy folk!  
  
Committee of Scary Dudes: yes, I think it is! Case dismissed!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
OWARI  
  
Well? WELL?!?! Tell me what you thought. DO IT! NOW!!  
  
Flames and Torches,  
  
~Black Dragon~ 


End file.
